Alcohol

I stopped drinking on November 10th 2020 after the only panic attack I have ever had gave me enough downtime to question what the fuck I was doing with my life. I took a few weeks off to think about what might have caused me to throw a wobbly, stopped seeing the appeal of getting drunk, and haven’t wanted to drink since then.

I’d stopped enjoying going out drinking with my friends, I didn’t like the way I behaved while drunk anymore, and I dreaded the thought of behaving the same way for the rest of my life.

I felt like shit for the first 6 months. Alcohol was the only coping mechanism I had ever known for stress, the only social lubricant I had to make being in groups of people tolerable, the only thing I had in common with most of my friends, and played a big part in pretty much everything I looked forward to.

It’s huge part of the culture where I grew up and it fuels all social engagements. Weekends are for drinking and holidays are for drinking even more. It’s hard to adjust to not doing it. I had fuck all to enjoy for a while and a creeping suspicion that I might never be happy or relaxed ever again.

I felt noticably better after 18 months. The growing pressure that comes from not having a weekend blowout to look forward to just eased off at some point. I’ve always been pretty calm, but I felt more emotionally steady than ever before.

At the time of writing it’s been over three years since I stopped and my mood is still extremely consistent. I have a much clearer idea of who I am, how I want to behave, and a calming reassurance that it will continue because I don’t planning on deliberately altering my mental state any time soon.