Alcohol

I stopped drinking alcohol on November 10th 2020. I had my first and only panic attack after an evening out and took a few weeks off the pop to think about what might have caused me to throw a wobbly. I stopped seeing the appeal of getting drunk, and haven’t wanted to drink since then.

In hindsight, I’d stopped enjoying going out drinking with my friends, didn’t like the way I behaved while drunk anymore, and dreaded the thought of behaving that way for the rest of my life.

I felt like shit for the first 6 months. Alcohol was the only coping mechanism I had ever known for stress, the only social lubricant I had to make being in groups of people tolerable, and the only thing I had in common with most of my friends. It played a big part in everything I looked forward to.

It’s a huge part of the culture where I grew up and fuels all social engagements. Weekends are for drinking and holidays are for drinking even more. It’s hard to adjust to not doing it, especially in social settings. I had fuck all to enjoy for a while and a creeping suspicion that I might never be happy or relaxed ever again.

I felt noticeably better after 18 months. The cloud over me lifted, and the growing pressure that comes from not having a weekend blowout to look forward to just eased off.