On alcohol

I stopped drinking alcohol on November 10th 2020 after my first (and only) panic attack led to me question what the fuck I was doing with my life. I took a few weeks to think about what might have caused me to throw a wobbly and, as a side-effect, haven’t wanted to drink since then.

It wasn’t a conscious decision, I just stopped wanting to get drunk, but in hindsight — I didn’t like the way I behaved drunk anymore, I thought the bad stuff alcohol was responsible for in my life far outweighed any good it had ever done me, and I dreaded the thought of behaving the same way for the rest of my life. So, probably enough to call it a day.

I felt like shit for the first 6 months after stopping. Alcohol was the only coping mechanism I had for stress, the only social lubricant I had to make being in groups of people tolerable, the only thing I had in common with most of my friends, and played a big part in everything I looked forward to.

Drinking is a huge part of the culture where I grew up and is the fuel for almost all social engagements. Weekends are for drinking and holidays are for drinking even more. It’s hard to adjust to not doing it. I had fuck all to enjoy for a while and a creeping suspicion that I might never be happy or relaxed ever again.

After 18 months I felt better. The sense of growing pressure that comes from not having a weekend blowout to look forward to eased off and left me feeling more emotionally steady than before. At the time of writing it’s been over three years since I stopped and my mood is very consistent — I have barely any unprovoked ups-and-downs. Any bad moods are much easier to cope with because everything else in my head stays the same. I have a much clearer idea of who I am, how I want to behave, and reassurance that I will continue to feel and behave the same way because I’m not planning on deliberately altering my mental state any time soon.

I feel anxiety more now than I did before stopping (probably because I don’t drink to alleviate the anxiety that I also had previously, so now I have to actually suffer it). It’s mostly in busy social settings around new people, but that’s getting better with time too.